On faith, Les Miserables, and screen savers

My sister and I are very close, very dear friends, but she is (no surprise) a DGI. But she's one that it's hard to get mad at, because she really does love me and she really does want me to be "all better." Everybody needs a big sister who just wants to take care of you.

Anyway, she's not only a DGI about widowhood, but also about faith. She believes in God, but that's about it, and she's never understood my church stuff, why I got involved in it and why I'm still there, or what any of it means.

The other day, when I was feeling very down and weepy, we were on the phone, and she said, "Well, doesn't having faith make things easier for you?" I stumbled and stammered, and finally said NO. "But isn't that the whole point of the various religions, to make sense out of death, to bring comfort when people die?" Ummm NO. "Well, I'm sorry... I thought that having church and all would make things better for you."

I thought about that first question a lot over the next few days: Doesn't having faith make things easier for me? Yes, it does, because I believe so completely in the loving presence of God. No, it doesn't, because I still miss my dear Nicholas more than I can possibly say. Yes, it does, because I know our hearts are joined forever. No, it doesn't, because my precious little boys don't understand that. Yes, it does, because I believe I can turn to Nick and ask him to help me. No, it doesn't, because I need him to be here washing dishes and changing dirty diapers.

You get the idea. In fact, if you're reading this, you already know exactly what I mean.

Les Mis... I've been listening to the soundtrack a lot this week, really enjoying the rich music and letting it move me. There's another thread here about Les Mis and the various songs that we widows hear and understand differently than we did when our loves were still alive.

Screen savers... I've started using Nick's laptop. Its screen saver is a program that pulls up a slideshow comprised of pictures in a randomly chosen photo album. It might be Christmas or vacaton pics, or photos from the Hubble telescope that he downloaded... you never know.

This morning, I was cleaning the kitchen and reading the board, moving back and forth from sink to laptop, with Les Mis in the background. The song Empty Chairs at Empty Tables came on... that moving piece where the survivor mourns the dead, he remembers them alive -- all their hopes and dream for the future -- and is faced with the unanswerable question of WHY they are gone but he remains.

I was really feeling the loss and grief when I walked back to the laptop, and I got a kick in the gut from the screen saver. It was the album of photos from when Nick was ordained a deacon. It was a terrible underscoring of what we'd lost. "Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me what your sacrifice was for..." Nick sacrificed so much to be a deacon; our whole family did. It was the true calling of his heart. Why did he die just one year after being ordained; why was he called to that ministry, if he wasn't gong to be allowed to serve for many years? He put so much into it... WHY WHY WHY

Then Empty Chairs ends, and the bells start ringing, with the joyous chorale proclaiming the wedding feast of Marius and Cosette. And the Why was answered... or it became irrelevant. Nick is now where he always wanted to be, serving at the banquet table of the Lord. And what a great feast it must be, with all our loved ones gathered around, each one saving a seat for us.

So, to my sister: No, right here, right now, my faith does not make this easier. The loss is unutterable, the missing him overwhelming, the need for his presence in my daily life unending. But, when I can find myself in the Eternal Now, when I remember that he is forever and always a part of me and I of him -- which means that he is with me Now and I am with him Now -- then yes, my faith does make this easier.

I hope this is coherent... it all hung together and made sense to me this morning. I'm not sure it does now.