How can anything ever be "fine" again?

My email to him is in black, with his response in green...

Abouna, my apologies for pressing the "send" button yesterday. I really didn't need to do that.

There is no need to apologize. If you’re still doing it two years from now we can talk about it.

I'm really "fine" for the most part. As long as I can just look at the task right in front of me, I'm okay. I can do all the day-to-day things, because that's what I do. It's when I start looking ahead that I start to fall apart. I can't bear to see all those tomorrows stretched out in front of me and not see Nick in any of them. That's when I start weeping all over again. Or when I realize that I will never again hear Stephen joyfully shout, "Daddy! Daddy!" and run to the top of the stairs to greet him at the end of the day. What a terrible loss!

Try your best to live in and for the moment. Give some thought to how many things you may have lost sleep over concerning your future with Nick. The virtue of hope is about what God may have beyond our present imagining.

And I can't begin to tell you how incredibly hard it was to be in church on Sunday: to see the men in black in the choir, and not see Nick; to hear the voices singing and not hear his; to see the deacon serving, and it not be him, and it's never going to be him. How can I be in that space and not think about him and not miss him and not ache and break all over again?

Did I say I was fine? I'm not, but you know that. I guess part of what's so unreal is that the day-to-day stuff is.All the material pieces of my life are set ... [snip] ... All these little pieces --- which aren't so little --- are in place, AND I have a tremendous community supporting me. So looking at the big picture, everything is "fine," the boys and I will be "fine."

Please reread that paragraph and think of the alternatives. I often observed that financial security somewhat lightens the grief process. Small consolation but not insignificant.

But there's just this one problem... this one huge gaping hole torn in the fabric of my existence.... how can anything possibly ever be "fine" again?

HOPE.

It will be; I know it. I just can't imagine it, I can't picture it.

HOPE is beyond what we can imagine. If I can imagine it then it is an expectation and not hope.

Because I can't picture my life without Nick in it. Because he IS in it. Always and forever unto ages of ages. Amen.

YES.

I begin to understand the scripture read at our wedding --- love is stronger than death --- and I wonder why the West has that ridiculous line in the wedding vow, "until death do us part." Because he is every bit as much a part of me now as he ever was. And that's when I can take a deep breath and know that I really will be alright. Some day. And always and forever.

YES and NO. Yes, Nick will always be part of your life but, in fact, death does PART us from one another and that is why the hurt is there.

You and Nick fulfilled all three promises you made on the day of your wedding.

• You came freely and without reservation.
• You loved and love one another for the rest of your lives.
• You accepted children and are raising them in the Gospel way.

You did not do two and three in the way you expected almost twelve years ago.

Enough for today’s homily.