Zombie

My response to a widow who wrote:

... I am a complete zombie. People ask me what do I do all day. Well, hum, I have a 3 yr old and 6 yr old and I am running at maybe 20%. My mind is running at 100 miles per hour, yet it takes every ounce of energy to put away the laundry or make a phone call.

This is the long part and I fear it only gets longer. You read where people don't call as much and feel you should move on. I never thought that would be true. But it is. Everybody else's day-to-day life continues the same.

I feel like I am waiting. Waiting for what? I do not know but it feels like waiting. I walk around the house saying "Make it happen, Make it happen" to try to motivate myself to get started on moving forward. I'm not sure if it is working.

You've nailed it for me (except I have a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old). I'm a week behind you, and I, too feel like I'm waiting for something to change. At about 3 months, I realized that I was waiting for Nick to come home. But I know that's not going to happen, so I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm waiting for this time.

And here's something weird -- I don't know if I can express it well -- I have felt no pain, no elephant sitting on my chest, no searing agony in my heart, no kick to the solar plexus. It seems like my body should be carrying some reflection of the misery of my heart and soul. I hear people talking about their pain, and people tell me that they can't imagine my pain... and all I can think is, "but it doesn't hurt." And it seems like it should. I guess I'm still numb... or maybe God's being merciful because if my body felt the pain that my spirit does I'd need a round-the-clock morphine drip.

Sigh. Take a deep breath and move into the next moment.