Now that Lent is over, and we are in the Easter season, I thought I'd post a followup to my original post.
As I originally said, I wasn't in "repentance" mode for Lent, at least not in the way we usually think of it. I began thinking of repentance more as change, as opening myself to new ways of understanding the road before me. So I stretched myself naked before God and said, "Here I am."
And, lo! I was changed.
The one question I have never asked since Nicholas' death is "Why". I firmly believe that there is no Great Purpose behind any of our terrible losses, that death is an insult to God. I firmly believe that God created us for love and glory, not for death and sorrow.
In my prostrations before God this Lent, I began to understand that all the love and beauty and peace of my beloved Nicholas remains with me, that the essence of his truest self is at this moment celebrating the glory of God.
And in that moment of seeing this truth, I was changed.
One homily during Holy Week said that the purpose of creation itself is to reveal the presence of God. I realized that is surely what Nick had done for me in our marriage, what the essence of Catholic marriage is: two people revealing the presence of God to each other. As I reflected on this mystery, I began to understand that Nick CONTINUES to reveal God to me. In my "conversations" with Nick, I am drawn closer to God; in my prayers, I find more of Nick's presence than his absence.
And as my prayers to God get intertwined with my conversations to Nick, I am changed.
My journey of grief has become utterly enmeshed with my journey of conversion, my ever seeking the road that brings me closer to the Divine Presence. I know that my journey is far from over, that there is more grief and more conversion before me... yet each step, each turn, each stumble, brings me closer to becoming more truly myself.
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I believe flesh keeps us insulated from God and death is it's way of bringing us home, back to the place we were created.
I love your thought - that we show each other God - as I believe that which we call love is a power, not an emotion, that animates us and is directly supplied to each living thing by that power - which is God.
My mate tried to show me every day a selfless love that was not because I always deserved it but because he always loved me.
As humans our love can only be a tiny reflection of the endless power/love that created us. If my mate loved me so well and so much, how much more and better must the Creator love me?
I trusted my mate to always do what was best for me and for us as a team. The Quandry is: Why then, can I not trust the creator to care for me and love me in an even more powerful and complete way?
I don't have an answer. Not yet, anyway. I am being challenged to "love my neighbor as myself" and am failing miserably out of fear and pride.
Your thought will help me on my path, thank you.
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