On children and grief

Written to a widow in anguish over her children's pain

I found a 6-week bereavement group for my 6-year-old. Being there really helped him -- they gave him some tools for expressing his feelings. All the signs at school are fine -- doing well with work, engaged in activities, likes being with his buddies, no hostility, etc...

We all made it through the holidays okay (including two family birthdays), but then I crashed in the New Year. Shortly after I crashed, my son did as well. Things spiraled down for a few weeks, before I realized I had to take control. I went to a counselor who saw me the first week, and both me and my son the 2nd. The 3rd week, it was just me again, and she said my son was fine and didn't need to be there.

Why not? Because I was doing better, so he was too. Our kids are so tied into us, and they are terrific barometers of how we are doing. When I cry, my 2-year-old cries. When I'm happy, he's happy. It's just the way it is.

Right after my husband died, my brother-in-law talked to me. He grew up without a father, and he said, "When Mom was okay, I was okay. When Mom was not okay, I was not okay." I always keep that in the front of my mind -- it makes me take care of myself.

Just remember that what your kids need is the certainty your love -- and they surely have that!