Approaching the one-year anniversary

August 1 is around the corner, the start of the month that many of us love to hate. I'll be on the road on Monday, so I thought I'd start this thread today.

Heather, Kim, Tim, Liz... and too many more to name off the top of my head... we've walked the road together, reaching the 1-year mark all too soon. I cannot say how much it has meant to have you in my life -- I don't even want to contemplate where my head would be without my virtual companions.

So... How are we doing so far?

For myself, this last year has gone by so fast, faster than I ever would have believed. But my life with Nick already feels impossibly long ago, because I am so different. It's like that massive change experienced the first year we were married, or the first year we were parents: Everything is different, even though the day-to-dayness remains mostly the same.

I still can't believe he's dead... It took only a few months to get used to his being "gone," but how can that man whom I loved with my entire being really be dead? He was so very alive, coming into his own in so many ways, and he was the center of our boys' lives. It's still so hard to believe that he is dead. I guess that's because he is still with me in so many ways. The echo of his laugh, the constant nudge to do the right thing, the strength of his faith... the mountains of unsorted papers, the shelves of science textbooks, the drawer of his socks...

This last month has been terribly hard for me, as August 8 looms in front of me. So much "one-year-ago" stuff, bitter memories, sweet memories, blurring together in the face of the inevitable. I expect the coming week to be hellacious. I took Nick to the ER on August 1; they found a brain tumor and one week later he was dead. The nightmare of that week lingers with me still, sometimes overwhelming me. I've become numb again in the last few weeks, not feeling much of anything, moving mostly on autopilot and wondering who the hell I am and what I'm supposed to do.

Even so, I am entering this coming week, this coming year, with more of myself than I could ever have thought possible. Yes, a huge part of me has gone with Nick, stays with him in eternal memory, the eternal now. But I am also most definitely here, living in the present, with occasional glimpses of possible futures. Some parts of the future scare the bejeebers out of me; others beckon me with tender hopes.

And you, my August friends -- how are you faring? Let us continue walking the road with one another, drawing strength and comfort from one another's presence.